Building a Life Aligned to Your Values Part 1
If life gives you lemons, you can make lemonade, but you don’t have to open a lemonade stand. You can simply use them up and switch back to coffee when you run out. The trap we get caught in is thinking that we don’t have a choice, we can only pick the lesser evil. If you have no intentional plan and path for your life, then of course you won’t have any other choice, because there won’t be anything guiding your decisions. Knowing where you’re going is the only way to get there. You can’t stumble along the trail, picking whichever direction seems best at each fork in the road. That’s how you end up trapped in a life you don’t like, doing things you don’t want to do for people you don’t want to work for, because you’re afraid you won’t be able to pay your bills.
That’s not living, that’s reacting. The only way to truly live and find any fulfillment is to create it for yourself. That can only be done intentionally, proactively, on purpose. You will not simply trip and fall into the life you’ve always wanted, nor is throwing darts at a wall and hoping it hits something good a viable life plan. You must create it for yourself, and the good news is that it’s not as hard as you think.
By now my hope is that you understand that our ideas of success and fulfillment have been shaped by what others wanted for us or told us was best. The idea that there’s only one good path to get there is so widely accepted as the truth that it creates an internal conflict within those who don’t fit in. When that idea is at odds with our own values, purpose, way of thinking, and identity, it causes dissonance and we feel “wrong” for not fitting the mold. The reality is that true fulfillment comes from within, from determining our own unique purpose and putting ourselves on a path that leads to it. If your purpose does not align with the generally accepted path, you will feel this internal struggle too as you try to balance being authentic with being “successful”.
Our purpose comes from our values and yes, many of the guiding values and principles we believe come to us by way of family or other influences, but they shouldn’t be solely based on what we are taught. We are all unique and as we grow, we form our own ideas about our values. We can learn from what our parents, families, or society values, but we’re not meant to copy and paste it word-for-word. I’ve spent a lot of time talking to other neurodivergent individuals from all walks of life, and what I’m finding is that many of us have never actually sat down to think about what our values and purpose are. Whether it’s due to our neurodivergence or not, we often don’t think to stop and define these things, however it’s one of the most important things you can do to start transforming your life and un-masking yourself. It represents a great opportunity to pivot and turn the page, opening up a new chapter of your life where you are free to be authentically yourself. One where you can design the life you’ve always wanted and make progress towards it in a tangible way.
You have an opportunity to think about your values and what they mean to you, then apply them to your purpose to create a more fulfilling life. The way we do this is by starting at the end, working our way backwards and reverse-engineering the solution. This makes perfect sense to most people when you describe it that way, but it’s the opposite of the traditional wisdom that’s given to us. We’re taught that following a path, such as going to college, is what will help us determine our goal. If the goals that support our ideal life don’t require a college education, then that path is a waste. What’s worse is that many of us follow that path anyway and go to school, choosing a career path that sounds good on paper but is in conflict with our dreams and desires. Then it’s not only a waste, but it leads to that internal conflict and a miserable life of stress, obligation, and unhappiness.
Thanks as always for reading,
Aaron Frank
